The Truth

Dear Alec Balwin,

I normally don't do things like this, but the time has come for me to express my concerns regarding you. I fucking hate you. 

This hate is not the "Oh, it's Alec Baldwin, I don't like him." It's more like "Hey [at this point, my eyes are already watering and vomit is rising in my throat] it's Alec Balwin, he's a cocksucking, motherfucking, huge dickhead, and I honest-to-God hate that bastard!"

At one point, I had no true feelings for you, Mr. Baldwin. However, in the year 2000, you changed all this. Actually, this started way before the year 2000. In all honesty, it started in 1945. You see, there was this thing, and it was called "World War II." After World War II, they arrested all the bad men, and had trials for them and there trials are most commonly known as the Nuremberg Trials. During these trials, an American prosecutor and some other people (I won't mention who, because I really don't think you could comprehend anything more difficult) tried these bad men, and in the end they were given the death sentence.

Now, let's fast forward back to 2000. In that year, you decided to act, if you can call it that, in a film, aptly named Nuremberg. You played that American prosecutor I mentioned earlier. And you know what? You fucking sucked at it. You were so bad at acting that it has since made me hate you. I hope you never act again, and I hope you don't ever get the chance to fuck Tina Fey, because if you do, I just might hate you a little bit more.

I saw this movie in my grade 12 law class and laughed through most of it. In the end, they could have just let you act in front of the bad men, and they probably would have killed themselves just so they didn't have to put up with anymore of your bullshit. 

Please, stick your Emmy up your ass.

Yours until Niagra Falls,

Kristopher Gaier