Ever get a lapdance to Linkin Park?

You're not missing out. Picture fucking a cheese-grater with really nice tits. I've never experienced such chemistry before. On one hand, I'm getting a sweaty, ball-chaffing lapdance, so good that my dick wants to jump off my pelvis and give me a high five. But on the other hand, I can hear Chester screaming "crawling in my skin" which stands somewhere between getting kicked in the mouth and having a railroad spike driven down my urethra on the scale of "holy fuck, don't!" You ever burp and hiccough at the same time? You ever feel such an overwhelming paradoxical force that you feel like the universe just broke? As if in that one split second, for all you know, the entire cosmos grinded to a halt and whole eons passed before whatever ruling force buffered out the chinks in the programming. In fact, logic often falls short of explaining how exactly you managed to avoid the situation without collapsing into a black hole, as if the solution was achieved through some tear in reality. Think about it, two currents of air, going in opposing directions (intake and outtake) meet within a small fleshy tube and collide...and yet, your head doesn't implode into a supernova. Where's the logic? There isn't any. It was not meant to be. Someone fucked up. The guy at the fates department just choked on a sip of coffee, tried to stifle his cough, looked at the cubicles around him to make sure no one noticed he shat things up and quickly hit CTRL ALT DELETE while hissing "shit shit shit shit!"

You dumb motherfucker. Test those bugs out before they end up screaming in my ear while rubbing my dick. I would rather be buttfucked by a whale than get a boner to Linkin Park ever again. It was just not fair. I had three therapy sessions already, and my shrink still can't convince me that it's not my fault. I have dreams where people make fun of me for being Linkinsexual, while dicks crawl under my skin. I have dreams where a woman takes off her shirt, after hours of anticipation, only to reveal two Chester heads who immediately start yelling "craaaawling innn my skiiiiiin, these wouuuunds, they wiiiillll not heeeee-aaaalll!" It hurts. I wake up in cold sweat, usually with an erection covered in scratch marks.

Fucking...shit.

I was gonna write a thing about music from around the world again, but I just don't have it in me. All I can do these days is sit on the toilet and cry. Cry and take dumps. That's all I do, man. All I do.

Vlad

I'm back and black...ish.

PROLONGED DEADLINE IS TODAY! SEND IN YOUR PICTURES, NOW! WHOEVER HAS THE MOST GRAFFITI WINS!
UPDATE BELOW

‘Sup, dickbags, Vlad here. So, I’m back from sunny-ass Europe, and as if I wasn’t already the holder of the “who’s had the wackiest shit happen to him” award, I come out again to smash my own record. Bear with me from this point on, I’ve been hopping time zones like a motherfucker and literally flew though about twelve breakfasts in twelve different countries in the course of nine hours, so time has been pretty much standing still until I suddenly landed in Canada smack dab in the witching hours. I’ve had such a case of jetlag, I almost shit out my face. My insides are sorta wanting to get out, and I find myself wanting to roam the streets at 6 am, or as I like to call it, motherfucking noon. That’s the sucky part about travel…there’s actually a time zone where when you cross it, you go into yesterday. Holy shit on a bagel.
But yeah, the second I landed, I felt so disoriented and exhausted that I actually had minor hallucinations on the ride back, although the adventures during my vacation might be partly responsible for that. Hopefully, I’ve fixed this problem; I went camping yesterday where I drank myself to death at exactly midnight, so maybe that kicked my ass back in gear. Who knows, we’ll see. Once again, I’ll make this fairly simple and low-tech, so bear with me…and honestly, there’s nothing about this trip that can’t be said in point form.

- I almost unknowingly picked up a Hungarian hooker.
- A priest got me wasted.
- I spent 3 weeks drunk, no joke.
- A girl peed on my shoe and I didn’t have to pay.
- I threw up during the Croatia vs. Germany game. I woke up in the morning in a friend’s house with 5 soccer balls. I later found out that 8 beers wins you a soccer ball…you do the math. (I brought one home!)
- I made out with three girls while their friend took pictures. If you find me on a site, please tell me.
- I was offered a threesome (2girls1vlad). I politely declined FOR SOME FUCKING REASON! I guess I’m not used to the foreign standard of being nice all the time, you rude fucks.
- I played soccer with a bunch of smokers. It went like this: first half was 5 minutes, then our chests started hurting, so we took a 20 minute smoke break, then played for 15 STRAIGHT MINUTES HOLY FUCK! We almost died.
- I took a train to some town, got mega hammered, and had some lady drive me home. I didn’t know her. She was old.
- I realized hitchhiking is not only easy, but awesome. I was joking when I stuck my thumb out, but everyone stopped, and I think everyone was stoned.
- I got to hang out with a communist.
- I accidentally ran into 2 cousins I didn’t know I had.
- I had a gun pulled on me by a drunk guy who wanted to show me how he pulled a gun on someone else.
- I got to meet a shitload of interesting people, and I also saw a portrait of my buddy nude because he poses naked for the art students. It’s actually good money, and all he does is sit.
- I unknowingly walked into a fucking Mafioso bar, where women danced in cages. I just wanted some smokes.
- I nearly got arrested at the Hungarian airport after their x-ray picked up the toy shotgun I was carrying in my bag.
- I hit on way too many 13 year olds. I swear to God, sober as daylight, they still look and act 18. It’s a different world.
- I got to see a cow.

That’s all I can remember right now. It was an exciting time, but now, I’m gonna quickly and unexpectedly switch topics and say that the prolonged deadline for the graffiti is TO-FUCKING-DAY. E-mail me the pictures now or never, this is serious business. 5 bucks, people. 5 bucks. I heard that no one could find all 10, so whoever has the most is the winner.

Love,
VLSL3

UPDATE: I'm disappointed. No one sent me a single photo of the graffiti. I understand that perhaps you were waiting to collect all 10 before sending anything, so I'm willing to forgive that. But if the problem is lack of spirit, then maybe I joined the wrong group. This is the extra-prolonged mercy deadline, three, count it, THREE days after the actual deadline which was Saturday. It's 6 pm, raining like SHIT so I know you got nothing better to do than upload a few pictures. Last call.