The Holy Grail of Erotica

So here we are, Myles and I, having fun blasting Marc M. dialogues through the microphone on Xbox Live, when suddenly I get a call from a friend. He invites us over to play poker, so we abandon our quest to piss off random wankers on Halo 3 in order to spend some quality “dude time” bonding with him. The meeting was at another friend’s house, where we spent an hour playing cards and talking about titties. After we finished up, the friend whose apartment we were in says he wants to show us something. Being proud of his roots, this particular friend takes us on a tour of his domicile, exhibiting his many Irish/Scottish themed décor, including badges, flags and a hammer Scots used specifically for bar-fighting. This pleased me. I was enjoying myself enough as it was, but then this friend of ours goes on to point out a large cardboard box saying “that I plan to throw away, though.” We looked at it, and nudged it with our feet. It was heavy. Really heavy. Was it a BIGGER bar hammer? Fuck, I hope so. “What is it?” I asked, my voice giddy. He looked around his room, admiring his own collection of Gaelic memorabilia, as he replied in the most nonchalant tone ever: “porn.”

Say huh now?

I didn’t want to open the box. He was fucking with us. I picked it up as it was. I’m no expert at gauging weight, but I’d say it was about 10 tons. Myles is better at this than me, though, and his final answer is 60 lbs. That’s still a lot of porn. I go “you’re shitting me, right?” He goes “no, open it.” Part of me really wanted to, but another part of me was convinced it was a starved bobcat. He was yanking my proverbial cock, this couldn’t be porn. This weighs more than I do. It was a tough lie to swallow, but damn my manly genes for not being able to resist. I tore that box open like it was Christmas, and holy fuck, he wasn’t lying. I was like “dude, don’t throw this away!” These were some class magazines. The pages didn’t even stick together. And considering half the ads in each magazine had a “chicks with dicks” phone line, we knew we were dealing with the mother lode of filth. This is what the government spends money to keep out of circulation. That is what serial killers on death row request as their final pleasure. This is what would get you burned at the stake 300 years ago. This was the shit. I pretty much came right then and there.

“Why the fuck are you throwing this out, man?” For a second, I thought I was dealing with one of those reformed guys who tattoo “don’t do it!” on their favorite hand as to keep them for rubbing one out. I don’t like those people. Hell I’ve jacked off about 9 times since I started writing this. But what he said next was probably the most awesome thing ever: “I’m downsizing.” This means that somewhere under the bagpipes and claymores and kilts is another, slightly smaller, perhaps 40 lb. box of porn. I seriously love this guy.

He goes to us “you guys want it?” I didn’t say anything. In fact, before he even finished that sentence, Myles and I were at the back of my car, stuffing it into my trunk. Then we decided to keep it in Myles’ house, because he has an awesome basement no one goes into unless we're super suspicious. Unfortunately, Myles also has two overly happy dogs that jumped on us as soon as we walked in, made a horrible noise and attracted his mother. We managed to make it seem like it was, you know, not a giant fucking box of porn, but eventually she peeked in and found out it was indeed a giant fucking box of porn. It was kinda funny, I mean, everyone’s mom sometimes finds a dirty picture or a magazine under their bed or something like that. That’s normal. But imagine finding 60 lbs. worth of smutty mags in a large cardboard box. Man, if Myles gets sent into therapy because of this, I’m gonna laugh so hard, I’ll shit myself.

Anyways, that’s the story of how we have the largest stash of porn in Leamington. It’s as if it found us, knowing how nice we’d treat it and knowing how much love we’d give it. If anyone wants to admire it, please get in line. We have half of Canada giving arms and legs just to touch the rim of the box.

I was gonna take a picture. But then I realized that wouldn’t be such a great idea.

Love,
Winds - er, Leamington Crew



NOFX- My Vagina
Mickey Avalon- My Dick
Sebastien Tellier- Sexual Sportswear (SebastiAn Remix)
Snoop Dogg- Sexual Eruption
Snoop Dogg- Sexual Eruption (Boys Noize Remix)