I got something new for you, kiddies. I see Adam and Kris are busy ravishing you assholes with wonderful adventures, whereas I continually feed you perverse tales of debauchery which, albeit useful in their own right, are borderline irrelevant to the lives of those who aren’t complete sexual deviants. Entertaining? Sure. So is a freakshow. In terms of enlightenment, and especially my dignity, it leaves much to be desired. So what I’ve got cooked up for you is something fun for the whole family, with 40% less cock jokes and penis altogether, guaranteed. And the great part is that it doesn’t ENTIRELY stem from jealousy considering I’m very likely the third leg in this blog - the musketeer no one really cares about. In fact, this would’ve appeared on my agenda sooner or later, but I had felt prematurely threatened by A & K’s radical posts which totally dwarfed my insignificant dribble. So, Adam. Kris. You think you have musical prowess? Guess what bitches. I play bass. Badly, yes, but it’s still a goddamn bass. I too possess a certain amount of musical know-how. Indeed, from this day forth, things are going to change. I will still grace upon you the occasional misadventure with fun endings such as me ending up in a hospital or yet a rather awkward scenario involving a dog, my wiener and a tube of toothpaste, but not today. Today, I’m using the gift bestowed upon me by God, Inc. and reaping the benefits of being the most foreign asshole in WSDT. I have scientific proof to back up these claims if you wish to argue. By scientific, I mean five hairy knuckles, bitch. Cut me some slack. I too wish to one day be remembered as that guy who gave you something, who introduced you to something wonderful. I want to be cherished for showing people something other than my cock. Penis joke number one, folks.
But seriously, I always found this very fascinating. From a young age, I’ve been throw into a foreign environment and had to cope with the culture shock. I didn’t change schools, I changed continents, and that was a big leap for a 10 year old. But, being pulled in by my current society and yet latching onto my previous out of comfort and conditioning let me absorb the best of both worlds, if I can put it that way. It really wasn’t all bad. In fact, in the long run it has made me far less ethnocentric than most people I know, broadening my taste immensely as time went on. Adam and Kris are the same because they’re both devoted to styles which aren’t predominant in American culture, so they’re basically forced to gain input from our neighbors overseas. Daft Punk, anyone? Hello France. Thanks for the Justice. Cheers to Scotland for Boards of Canada. We don’t get much of your kind, y’all come back now. You see, it takes an open mind to truly enjoy music, or anything else for that matter, and if I can’t spread the lips between your legs, then let me spread knowledge.
Oh, and I wanted a fucking day too, Mr. Mixtape Monday.
The Windsor Crew presents
WWM: WORLD WIDE METAL
Representing the United States: Ministry.
Song: Senor Peligro
Ministry is an Industrial Metal band founded in Chicago by Al Jourgensen. These guys are a pure adrenaline rush in a sonic format. They rightfully represent their country for two reasons: one, ass was invented so they could kick it, and two, they care enough about their country to devote at least two albums to G.Dubya’s incompetence. In fact, Ministry is so badass, their song Senor Peligro was featured in Scarface the game. They’re off the fucking chain. Check ‘em out.
Representing Japan: Maximum the Hormone.
Song: What’s Up, People!
Sure, the name sounds corny. Keep telling that to yourself, you with your Chinese symbols dangling off your wrist. In Japan, English is used for aesthetic purposes, much like we use their symbols even though we can’t really read them. But it’s okay, because in spite of the grammatical fuck-ups both cultures tote, at least we all know how to rock out. As a matter of fact, Maximum the Hormone can rock out so hard, their song What’s Up, People! became the official theme song of the second season of the wildly popular anime Death Note. Plus the actual music video for it is so sexy, it basically drags women to your computer via magical vaginomagnetic energy.
Video: Death Note season 2 intro
Video: MtH, What’s Up, People!
Representing Russia: Anal Nosorog.
Song: You Are a Fat Putridity
The joy of being cousins with the Ruskis is being able to understand their band names and general slang terms. Anal Nosorog translates to Anal Rhino. Are you picturing it? Yeah. I’d pay, too. With song names such as You Are a Fat Putridity, you just KNOW these guys are pissed as shit. And what’s more admirable is that if there was such a thing as an anal rhinoceros, it would sound exactly like this song. Hell, it could have its own show on Nickelodeon and use it as the theme.
Representing Croatia: Hard Time.
Song: Zombie (No MP3 available, but I have a link to the cheesy Youtube video)
Not exactly the most angsty bunch of guitar-wailing musicians, but definitely a group of dudes who know their shit, Hard Time mix metal with psychedelic rock and also sing in two different languages. (C’mon, you gotta respect all these foreign artists going to such measures to cheer you up.) They’re not tortured souls and don’t swallow fire, but they have motherfucking chops of steel, and that’s all I need.
Representing Iraq: Acrassicauda.
Admittedly, they’re not a miraculous group of underground virtuosos, but the members of Acrassicauda probably have the biggest balls in the history of mankind. They’re playing heavy metal in the one place where you don’t want to be seen with so much as a miniscule Made in US tag, let alone a KISS album. That’s right, supposedly, Acrassicauda are the ONLY heavy metal band in Iraq, and are the subject of the Vice documentary Heavy Metal in Baghdad, and despite not being the Iraqi Dream Theater, they can still melt your fucking face off.
Myspace: Acrassicauda
Representing Canada: Skinny Puppy.
Song: Pro-Test
People say they’re not metal. I say suck my balls.
Alright, I admit it, but they are heavy enough to make me shit out my tonsils and that’s good enough for me. Skinny Puppy are incredibly popular in the industrial scene and heed from Vancouver. Even though they're not strictly metal, they do dabble in it and often produce rather heavy material to accompany their mind-blowing stage performances (their live shows are theatrical as SHIT). They are amazing musicians with cleverly titled songs such as Pedafly and are among the few bands who look insane enough to chew your tits off (with Aphex Twin holding the camera). Plus they like animals. Awwwww…
Representing Norway: DHG (Dodheimsgard)
Song: Apocalypticism
I know, this isn’t even fair. DHG is from Norway, a country where people have SEX with heavy metal. This competition has already been won…oh, what’s that? Not a competition? Fuckin' a, enjoy!
Representing Australia: 28 Days
Song: Bring ‘Em Back
The Aussies have a bit of a surprise for us: a metal/punk/hip hop combo with enough style to make panties magically disappear during every concert. There isn’t much I can say about this band. They flat out rock my cock, THROUGHLY tickle my pickle. Veni, vidi, veni…I came, I saw, I came again.
Representing Serbia: TONA
Song: Down in the Desert
Ooh, look at him plugging his own country. Hey, fuck you. There’s a reason they’re last. Serbia is NOTORIOUS for having nothing but folk and techno (totally cool, but totally useless for this project) and I just so happened to haphazardly stumble upon these guys. They haven’t even released an album yet, and only had one song put up. But this one song left a mess on my chair and that amounts to loads of respect. Definitely look out for them.
Now, how many cock jokes was that? Did I break my promise?
Quite frankly, my dear, I don’t give a cock.
Love,
Vladdy Windsor
1 comment:
Sick post.
-Kris
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